Anger
Anger is like a fire - it can smolder for days, weeks, or years, and then suddenly burst forth with heat and fury, leaving chaos and destruction in its wake. Like fire, anger can also be controlled and extinguished before it causes damage. It’s up to me to be the fireman.
I have experienced a lot of anger in recent weeks. Much of it has centered on sleep - seven days out of ten of interrupted sleep left me tired, cranky, and lingering on the edge of another cold. It is a vicious cycle – I don’t get enough sleep, so I am angry, but because I’m angry, I have a hard time sleeping.
I have been angry with my tentmate Bob. I have been frustrated in trying to communicate with him and angry with his lack of consideration. I have wished to live somewhere else despite the fact that we interact for less than an hour a day. I have let my irritation at some of his personal habits grow into anger at him as a person.
I have also experienced anger at my overall situation. I was very frustrated to be in Iraq during the holidays rather than at home with my family and friends. I am angry that we are still embroiled in a violent occupation of this country with no end in sight. I am very tired of smelling burning garbage, cigarette smoke, and onion rings so much of the time. I long to use a normal toilet rather than a porta-john. I want to sleep in a comfortable bed in a snug house instead of in a drafty tent.
It is important to me to take responsibility for this anger. I need to “own” it – acknowledge that it is mine – for then I can deal with it. I try to be mindful in expressing my anger, using the expression “I am angry about ____” rather than “____ made me angry.” It is MY emotion and I am the one feeling the anger. To some degree I have control of my emotions, so in effect I make a choice to be angry with a person or a situation. Once I take responsibility for my anger, I can accept it and express it, rather than denying or suppressing it.
Suppressed anger can cause all sorts of problems, such as ulcers, chronic sickness, and depression. It can flare up without warning and hurt the ones I love. My suppressed anger typically comes out when I am frustrated by minor things. For example, the computer is a wonderful invention, but it can turn grumpiness into raging anger in a matter of seconds. I curse and swear at this vile machine, Microsoft, Dell, and Bill Gates. Oddly this seldom makes me feel better. However, it is a good impetus to look for the REAL cause of my anger.
The most destructive kind of anger is suppressed anger toward another person. Left to fester, it can lead to unmindful speech, rash acts, regret and sorrow, and more anger. It is very easy to jump from frustration with another person’s behavior or actions to anger and ill will toward the person herself. If I become frustrated or angry with something another person does, I need to separate the person’s actions from the person, own my anger at the actions, accept it, express it, and then let it go.
There are many root causes of anger. Three that I see in my life are frustrated or conflicting personal interests, feelings of impotence or lack of control, and unrealized expectations. When anger arises, I want to identify and respond to its cause rather than blindly react to its symptoms. What are my interests that were frustrated or blocked? How do I reconcile them with the situation? What are the circumstances that make me feel out of control? Is there anything about the situation I can control? What were my expectations that were not met? Can I let go of outcomes and expectations and concentrate on process?
Although unpleasant, anger is part of my continuum of emotions, so I must be able to accept it and find its positive outlet. Feeling angry is normal and natural, but it is very important to express it healthily. I find myself writing page after page about my angers and frustrations, and “venting” to my friends. One day, however, I was so angry about being awakened by explosions and not being able to go back to sleep that I couldn’t even write about it – I just had to DO something! I found great relief in the gym, tiring my body so that the anger was not so all-consuming. I was able to accept the anger, meditate on it, and let it go.
Will I get angry again? Of course – I’m human. But if I try to live mindfully, I can learn to own my anger, accept it, express it, and let it go. I can choose not to let my anger consume my life, inflame my emotions, and poison my relationships. I can live in the present, leaving anger’s control of me in the past.
I have experienced a lot of anger in recent weeks. Much of it has centered on sleep - seven days out of ten of interrupted sleep left me tired, cranky, and lingering on the edge of another cold. It is a vicious cycle – I don’t get enough sleep, so I am angry, but because I’m angry, I have a hard time sleeping.
I have been angry with my tentmate Bob. I have been frustrated in trying to communicate with him and angry with his lack of consideration. I have wished to live somewhere else despite the fact that we interact for less than an hour a day. I have let my irritation at some of his personal habits grow into anger at him as a person.
I have also experienced anger at my overall situation. I was very frustrated to be in Iraq during the holidays rather than at home with my family and friends. I am angry that we are still embroiled in a violent occupation of this country with no end in sight. I am very tired of smelling burning garbage, cigarette smoke, and onion rings so much of the time. I long to use a normal toilet rather than a porta-john. I want to sleep in a comfortable bed in a snug house instead of in a drafty tent.
It is important to me to take responsibility for this anger. I need to “own” it – acknowledge that it is mine – for then I can deal with it. I try to be mindful in expressing my anger, using the expression “I am angry about ____” rather than “____ made me angry.” It is MY emotion and I am the one feeling the anger. To some degree I have control of my emotions, so in effect I make a choice to be angry with a person or a situation. Once I take responsibility for my anger, I can accept it and express it, rather than denying or suppressing it.
Suppressed anger can cause all sorts of problems, such as ulcers, chronic sickness, and depression. It can flare up without warning and hurt the ones I love. My suppressed anger typically comes out when I am frustrated by minor things. For example, the computer is a wonderful invention, but it can turn grumpiness into raging anger in a matter of seconds. I curse and swear at this vile machine, Microsoft, Dell, and Bill Gates. Oddly this seldom makes me feel better. However, it is a good impetus to look for the REAL cause of my anger.
The most destructive kind of anger is suppressed anger toward another person. Left to fester, it can lead to unmindful speech, rash acts, regret and sorrow, and more anger. It is very easy to jump from frustration with another person’s behavior or actions to anger and ill will toward the person herself. If I become frustrated or angry with something another person does, I need to separate the person’s actions from the person, own my anger at the actions, accept it, express it, and then let it go.
There are many root causes of anger. Three that I see in my life are frustrated or conflicting personal interests, feelings of impotence or lack of control, and unrealized expectations. When anger arises, I want to identify and respond to its cause rather than blindly react to its symptoms. What are my interests that were frustrated or blocked? How do I reconcile them with the situation? What are the circumstances that make me feel out of control? Is there anything about the situation I can control? What were my expectations that were not met? Can I let go of outcomes and expectations and concentrate on process?
Although unpleasant, anger is part of my continuum of emotions, so I must be able to accept it and find its positive outlet. Feeling angry is normal and natural, but it is very important to express it healthily. I find myself writing page after page about my angers and frustrations, and “venting” to my friends. One day, however, I was so angry about being awakened by explosions and not being able to go back to sleep that I couldn’t even write about it – I just had to DO something! I found great relief in the gym, tiring my body so that the anger was not so all-consuming. I was able to accept the anger, meditate on it, and let it go.
Will I get angry again? Of course – I’m human. But if I try to live mindfully, I can learn to own my anger, accept it, express it, and let it go. I can choose not to let my anger consume my life, inflame my emotions, and poison my relationships. I can live in the present, leaving anger’s control of me in the past.
posted by Greg at 1/12/2005 11:16:00 AM
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